Much excitement in the Stakhanov Household today as an employment contract landed in my inbox. It's got all the usual stuff about duties, ethics, pay, blah. It even comes with a seperate statement about corporate values (teamwork, customer-focus, blah, blah).
I'm going to sign. But it's got a "Judas Clause". This is the unwritten but mutually understood bit that says both parties are out to shaft one another. It reads something like:1. Working Hours
1.1 The Employee is employed and paid for 35 hours per week.
1.2 However, the Employer is greedy, short-staffed and disfunctional. Therefore, the Employee will be expected to work 70 hours per week.
1.3 This will effectively deprive the Employee's children of their father/mother.2. Contract
2.1 The Employer offers this Contract of Employment on a permanent basis subject to:
2.1 a) economic downturns
2.1 b) shareholder greed and resulting downsizing
2.1 c) frequent pointless re-organisations driven by the prevailing testosterone levels of senior executives.3. Benefits
3.1 Your pension is unlikely to deliver any meaningful support in your old age.
3.2 At its discretion, the Employer may provide the Employee with non-financial support to find work stacking shelves or doing a paper round at 70.
3.3 The pension payments made by the Employer to its CEO and Directors will be not less that £20 million annually.